This is a work in progress, but I liked the ideas enough to want to put the thing up NOW, since I have to suspend work on it, and while I find images to prove I'm right. If you have any other clues as to the non-genius of George Lucas, please send them to kent@explodedgoat.com.

George Lucas has often said, and may even believe, that Star Wars is a non-commercial venture. He says again and again that he's driven by story, and that marketing interests aren't the primary ones that fuel his vision. Even if we were to take such a claim at face value (and given the existence of Ewoks, I find that hard), it's clear that George Lucas's storytelling instincts have run the poor Star Wars universe into the ground. But isn't George Lucas a genius?

Naw, once you've pulled all the blunders that Lucas has, you lose those genius credentials. Join me, if you will, as I take a look at the worst crap, in Star Wars and beyond, that George Lucas has foisted upon an unwitting population.

First, let us look at what he's done while not massacring Star Wars.

Howard The Duck (1986)

What'd George Do:

Executive producer, but this was a big ILM thing that flopped.

What Sucked:

The comic on which this is based isn't really all that good, either. It's one of those '70s deals that feels kind of grimy and was written by men whose bad taste was exceeded only by some 'genius' who wanted to make a movie out of this crap.

But though this is undoubtedly one of the more execrable pieces of offal in the Lucas oeuvre, it did two things no other movie had done. First, it introduced the great phrase "Trapped in a world he never made." Makes you fall in love all over again, doesn't it?

More important, this is the only film in history to feature a plush duck-tit shot. Ducks don't have mammaries, they're birds. And if they did, I wouldn't want to see them. But Howard The Duck doesn't care for normal human concerns - it's going to rub your face in all the duck tit it can.

Willow (1988)

What'd George Do:

Executive-produced and wrote the story (not the screenplay).

What Sucked:

Okay, so Ron Howard is at least as culpable for this piece of dog trash as Lucas is, but Willow is, without a doubt, the single worst big-budget fantasy movie ever released. Why would any sensible person say: "Hey, there's Warwick Davis. He's a dwarf. He has a severe physical deformity, and I want to see it projected on a 75-foot screen for a good two hours. And Val Kilmer would be really sexy if we gave him Morticia Addams' hair." On top of that, you have Kevin Pollack as a damned brownie, plus a baby that pukes on everyone.

The good thing is that this tanked, so Lucas couldn't make three more of them. And for historical value, this is Evidence A that Lucas really gets off on people stepping in crap. (see: Star Wars 4 [1 for geeks and jerks]: The Phantom Menace [1999])

Radioland Murders (1994)

What'd George Do:

Executive producer and story writer.

He said it tied in with American Graffiti (1973), thus doing what Lucas does best - namely, ruining his creations several years after everyone's already decided they were fine as they were. (see: Star Wars 1 [4 for geeks and jerks]: A New Hope [1977])

What Sucked:

Did you see this? No, you didn't. Nobody saw it. Technically, it was a dry run for Phantom Menace, since it accomplished two things that that film did later: it mixed real life with computer-generated backdrops, and it sucked.

It also stars Brian Benben, that Tim Allen-alike from HBO's pre-Sex In The City, "because-we-can-show-breasts-we-don't-need-good-writing" comedy, Dream On. At one point Benben puts on a Carmen Miranda hat and dress. No one wants to see that, but this movie shows it like it were so much duck tit.

2002-06-08 - Kent Conrad